Sunday, June 27, 2010

Pill Popper!

I recently had my prescription for Zoloft increased from 50mg to 100mg.  I don't like being on meds.  I don't like the stigma attached to depression and anti-depressants.  I think, sometimes, doctors are too quick to whip out the little pad and pen.  But I'm no Tom Cruise!  At this time in my life I think Zoloft is a necessity.  I'd be an irresponsible fool not to take the medication as directed.

I first experienced depression during adolescence.  I went to a counselor; a lousy counselor.  She didn't seem interested in what I had to say and was dismissive of my concerns.  I decided that I didn't need to go back because it wasn't helping anyway. 

After, my father was murdered, when I was in college, I again went to counseling. She was a wonderful therapist at Penn State.  I really enjoyed talking to her and gaining insight about myself, my family and my place in society.  I also participated in group therapy while at Penn State.  It wasn't so much therapy as it was a support group made up of black women who were struggling with a variety of issues.  I enjoyed that group and often wonder how the other members are doing.  I wish I could find individual and group therapy like that again!

It wasn't until I was in my late 20's that I first took antidepressants.  I was experiencing mood swings greater than just the run of the mill PMS.  I was also experiencing insomnia, crying spells, and hopelessness. I was under a lot of financial pressure and didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. My primary care physician, who was a doctor of internal medicine, suggested that I take Celexa.  I didn't want to, at first.  I thought it was a sign of weakness; a sign of failure.  I discussed and researched it further and decided that I needed to do something.  So I started with a low dose.  I also found a counselor.

That counselor was also lousy.  I remember her chuckling as I read a letter to my late father.  Nice...real nice.  I also remember her saying that marriage was easy.   Oh, really?  Where did the 50% divorce rate come from.  Anyway, that's another topic for another day.

Currently, I'm taking the Zoloft but not going to counseling.  It's hard for me to want to look for a therapist since there are some lousy ones out there.  I don't feel like searching, contacting the insurance company, scheduling appointments, and finding someone to watch the boys.  Some of it could also be the depression.  Depression makes me lose interest in everything.  It jumbles my thoughts around so much that I spend so much time thinking and worrying that I don't have the energy to put those thoughts into action.

For now blogging will be my therapy.  That and some chocolate!

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